Are You Sure? by Stephen Colbert, as read by Jack McCoy
Did you hear that? No? You’re prob’ly going deaf.
It’s your kids back home, cooking up some crystal meth.
Did you turn off the oven? Did you set the alarm?
They still haven’t caught The Man With One Arm.
Look around at these people. How safe do you feel?
[I think maybe he skipped a line here accidentally?]
Your car—when you parked, did you remember to lock it?
Thinking reasonably, odds are, no one hears a pickpocket.
That guy who just coughed down your neck—could he have an infection?
The restaurant where you went to brunch—did it fail its health inspection?
A madman could set loose a virus for which there isn’t a cure;
And while these things may be unlikely, ask yourself: Are You Sure?
And can you be sure that…
You won’t get ebola from a tainted diet cola,
Toxic waste, or get chased by a bearded ayatollah?
Funnel clouds, inhale! Anthrax in the mail!
Your lover will discover your vestigial tail!
Someone’s robbing your house. I can see through your blouse.
Your mother was right; you chose the wrong spouse.
Unlabeled Dranos; tornados; torpedoes;
The horrible sight of some guidos in Speedos!
STDs; PCBs; SUVs; UV light;
A giant pimple on your face—you have a date tonight!
Choking on biscotti; being whacked by John Gotti;
Getting trapped overnight in a full porta-potty!
And I have a final fear to drop in the bucket,
‘bout a friend of a friend of The Man From Nantucket.
There once was a man from Eau Claire,
Whom no one was able to scare.
He wouldn’t join in the panics
About the Hispanics,
And later he was killed by a bear.
